Dear Nell
by nelliskinkyinbed
Summary: When Eric goes off into a mission Nell knows nothing about all she has to hold onto of him is a letter he gave her where he confesses everything going on and how he feels especially about her. Little did Nell know it would be one of the things of him she could hold onto. Character Death.


_Dear Nell_

_I know this isn't the best way to explain everything but here it goes. By the time you get this you should know I'm under cover and that it's not as simple as when I was Gary Clay. This one goes much deeper and is much darker, so dark, even in writing I still do not want to tell you how bad it is. Somehow I'll know you'll find out more about it later but for now I hope this letter will suffice._

_First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am for not telling you before I left. I know how hard it is for you to trust someone and how you hate when people leave. I tried to explain to Hetty first off but she told me I had to leave as soon as possible. I know we were just becoming closer than usual and I'm hoping to continue that once I get back. But there are things I wish to say in this letter that I might not have the chance to if the unfortunate may happen. But that won't happen so please don't worry too much (I just need an excuse to tell you all this). I'll explain some of that further on if you're still a confused._

_This cover maybe a week maybe a month or longer, I'll have professionals by my side at always to look after me (you know how I am in hostile situations.) Soon I will no longer be Eric Beale, I'll be Evan Becker a hot shot graduate of MIT who is in way over in his head with black market dealings. Not too bad right? Still not as good as Caltech like you though._

_Callen has also been helping me out in the short time between when I found out I was going and when I have to leave. He said always be specific when you lie. If it seems someone is out to get you, they are. If someone has the upper hand, break it. I'm not quite sure what he means by the last one but I suppose I'll figure it out later._

_Getting to the main point of this letter so not to let it drag on (I know how you hate it when books to that) here's what I have to say, just in case._

_Nell, not only are you my partner, you're my best friend. I cherish the moments we have together whether it be going over to the others house and watching a movie or just staying late at work to use the big screen for video games. Also the closer, more than just friends moments like when you fell asleep in my arms on the bullpen couch after a case involving women with the same features as you just became too much, or when you stuck up for me and practically yelled at Callen and Sam for taking what I did for granted. (They still look at me weird for that.)_

_But it's not just the obvious parts, I'm not sure if you know this but you have the most beautiful hazel eyes I ever seen and even more they seem to illuminate in the screen glow of ops. Every time we have those prolonged looks I get swallowed up in your gaze and it's impossible to escape (not that I even think I want to.)_

_Not just your eyes but your lips, more importantly your smile. I still remember the first time I fell for your smile it was back in November when you sent yourself those flowers. When I told you I felt 'competitive' over you (I hope you knew what I was really trying to say) and I stole some if Hetty's flowers just to seem like I was okay with potentially another guy sending you flowers._

_I've been stuck on you ever since. Even before when Nate came around the first time with you here and I felt 'competitive' when I found out you guys knew each other previously, which you'll have to explain how when I get back. And the second time he came around and you guys shared that hug (I don't know what I felt then but I definitely wasn't liking the guy.)_

_It's not just the way you look but the way you act. The first thing I noticed about you when you came to work for us was how even on your first day you effortlessly glided across the ops floor like you owned the place. Next thing was how you cut in everyone's sentences, but we moved past that. Also how you take no crap from anyone and always try beat everyone like it's a game. If they tell you to build a hill, you'll build a mountain._

_Your efforts haven't gone unnoticed either (I know you'll kill me for that later) the truth is when you told me you had 'no plans for the foreseeable future' I got what you were hinting at but I chickened out. See, I was going to ask you out but I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way._

_But this isn't just about how I noticed what you do it's how I truly feel about you. Because the truth is ever since I found out I was leaving for a long time the one thing I kept thinking about was you. How I won't see you for ages, no movie nights, no games nights, not seeing you every day. Even when I'm writing this letter I'm still trying to accept the fact I'm in love with you._

_I'm in love with Nell Jones._

_I know this maybe a shock to you because it is to me, but surprisingly I'm okay with it. I know you might not be and I accept that, we're not exactly in the right situation to fall in love, I'm pretty sure it's against the rules. I'll have to check that before I leave._

_I think about you when I wake up, I think about you when I go to sleep. You're always on my mind (I know this is a big confession but please read the rest of this letter.)_

_I have to write about something else as well, I know you told me never to speak of that night again because it would never happen again (that's part of the reason I'm nervous to write this letter, that you'll throw it back in my face.) You chose to ignore it and I've done the best that I can for two months but I finally had to tell you this way. I get if you don't want to do anything beyond this, I accept that and I hope we could still continue to be partners and friends. But just keep reading._

_Deeks is to give this to you and then a few hours later he is to drop me off; the start of the mission. Give him your answer, if it's the only thing you do._

_On a lighter note, I know how much you love flowers; I've made sure you get sent flowers every week until I'm back. Just so you know no matter what happens you'll still be the most important thing to me._

_I can't wait until I see that beaming smile and those shining eyes again._

_- Eric_

Nell screwed the letter up for what seemed like the hundredth time when really It only been the fourteenth (she always undid it neatly afterwards.) She covered her face with her hands and continued to cry. Every time she read this letter she was unable to keep back any emotion, sometimes it was anger towards both herself and Eric, but mostly it was grief and how stupid she was. She didn't think she had ever cried over something so much in her life. Why did she keep reading this if she ended up in such a mess, red cheeks, puffy eyes, shaking hands, alone in her room.

She heard the key in the lock and the door open up then shut quickly. "I'm home," called the excited voice.

Nell wiped her damp face and breathed in and out, "Eric, I'm in here Honey." She put the letter under her pillow and stood up.

The door to her room opened up and the slightly curled, blond haired boy leant against the frame. "Mom, how come you always cry on my birthday?"

"I'm just happy that's all. Come on why don't we open up your presents that everyone gave to me to give you." She pushed him forward softly into the lounge, which was easier to do when he wasn't thirteen and taller than her (he had the height of his father.)

"Do you cry because dad isn't here?" he asked watching her as she sat down.

She put her elbows on the table and blew out a breath, "Your dad was a good man, his death was in vain- for no reason- but he died doing what he loved; trying to stop the bad people in the world. You just look so much like him."

"Do you regret having me?"

"No, never, I just wish it was under different circumstances and that he knew you," she brushed her son's hair and gave a weak smile. She went into the other room and brought out the presents the team had given him. The first one wasn't hard to guess and was from her.  
"This was your fathers, I didn't want to give it to you but Deeks promised to teach you when he's teaching Audrey," she said sliding the long object across the table.

"Dad's surfboard?"

Nell nodded and ran her hand over the board, "He loved this thing, he would be out every weekend on it and he even took me out on it once but I was never good at it. He told me one time that when he had children the first place he would take them would be the beach-"

"-All those picture of me at the beach when I was a baby," he put in.

"Yeah," she smiled again. "Now I think it's time you did something to make you feel closer to him." Tears brimmed in her eyes and pressed her lips thin.

"Thanks Mom," the boy's arms went around her.

"Happy Birthday, Eric," she blinked and the tears fell down her cheeks.


End file.
